So I tried going to CERN while in Switzerland. I just wanted to see the Large Hadron Collider, or the LHC. If you don’t know what the LCH is, it’s one of the fanciest, most high-tech pieces of machinery in all of particle physics. Why did I insist on seeing this, you ask? Because it’s neat. It collides the nuclei of atoms in pursuit of making new discoveries of how our Universe works on a fundamental, nuclear level. I was hoping I’d be able to get a tour. When I was in Barcleona, I found out CERN was hosting a free quantum computing class online. Given that I’d recently decided I wanted to learn about quantum computing, and that it was free, I signed up in a heartbeat. It was two hours a day for two days (just a short introductory class) and was very informative, even if some of the math involved was a bit above my head given my current level of mathematics (Which actually isn’t bad, but it’s not quite at the level of quantum computing *yet*. I’ve got to brush up on my linear algebra first). I was already planning heading to Swizerland after Spain, and it hadn’t crossed my mind until that moment to make a detour away from Zurich to go to CERN, which is located in Geneva, Swizerland (on the other side of Switzerland) until about halfway through the virtual class. I e-mailed them asking if they had a tour and they, to my surprise, they responded right away saying that they did indeed offer tours, and all I had to do was to go to reception. Easy! This began a very long and outrageous quest. I’d spent my first week in Swizerland in Zurich, as planned, saving three days for a visit to Geneva before heading on to the mountainous town of Zermatt to check out the Swiss Alps. It didn’t occur to me that CERN might be closed on the weekend. The irony is that for once in my life I decided to be proactive and handle my bookings for the next two weeks in *advance*, instead of the day-of, as I usually did, which meant that I was locked in and could not easily alter my itinerary, and I’d left this adventure to my last two days in Geneva, which were Saturday and Sunday. I used Friday to get settled and explore. I went and saw the iconic fountain, a clock made out of flowers, and enjoyed a lovely dinner with a cheese board and several glasses of red wine, all ordered in French (why not enjoy an opportunity to practice a language?). It finally dawned on me on Friday evening that they might not actually be open on the day I’d planned on going. Horrified at this thought, I check the hours online. It turns out, fortunately for me, they were only closed on Sunday. I decided to get in the mood by reviewing linear algebra and learning a little bit about chemistry and particle physics on Youtube. Come Saturday morning, I’m early to rise, and only have to sort out where the heck reception is now. As it turns out, that’s much easier said than done. The LHC encircles the entire city of Geneva, and its diameter (it’s a very large circular tunnel 100 meters underground) is MILES (or Kilometers) long (I checked, it’s almost 17 miles or 27km long). If you’re struggling to imagine it, draw a circle around the perimeter of Geneva on a map, and that’s basically the LHC- just underground), and there are a whole bunch of “points” on the map, none of which are labeled “reception”. I choose a spot somewhat randomly that looks like it’s likely to be reception (It looks like it’s the main point for LHC, so I get on a bus. The bus takes forever (As busses sometimes do). My palms are sweaty. Is this actually about to happen? I finally follow Google maps to the point, which, bizarrely enough is located behind a McDonalds that’s sort of in the middle of nowhere. I wonder if I’m in the right place, then finally see a very large tank of liquid helium (which is often used for cooling superconducters). I keep following the gravel road into nowhere behind McDonald’s, and eventually see a sign that says CERN and a building that says LHCb. It seems I’ve found the Large Hadron Collider. I assume reception is going to be somewhere in this area, but all I can see is a high-security gate that looks like one you’d need a badge to get through. There’s nobody around. I pace for a little bit, and see some fun fact signs with information for the public about the LHC, as well as a snail oozing about that I nicknamed “The Quantum Snail”. I finally see someone emerge from the building behind the gate. I flag them down by waving my arms frantically. They come over understandably skeptically, and I am able to ask them where reception is. They look at me confused and asked if I mean reception for the LHC , or for CERN. I thought about it and responded “either, I suppose”. She tells me that the LCH itself doesn’t have a reception, but there’s a gigantic dome in the middle of town, and that regular reception is located there. I find it on my map, and re-set course for the dome. This bus takes even longer, and by the time I get there, half of the day has been eaten up. I make it to the dome. It’s a museum, not reception. It is in fact CERN’s free museum that’s open to the public, which means, presumably, that I’m close, but I still don’t see reception. At this point it starts raining. I’m running out of time before reception closes, I’m not signed up for a tour, and I still have absolutely no idea where reception is. There are people around, but none of them seem to work for CERN. They’re civilians heading to the museum. I see a tour group go by, so I know I’m close. I’m lost and on the verge of giving up, and stop in front of the huge metal statue outside to admire the equations engraved on it. I’ve made it this far, and that at least counts for something. The statue is impressive. It’s got the standard model of particle physics, the Maxwell equations for electromagnetism, the Schrödinger equation, a couple of Feynman diagrams, and many more equations that I’m less familiar with. I’m facing the main street gawking at it, when finally the bus that had been parked there for a while, presumably taking a break pulls away, and from behind it across the street, the glimmering letters that say RECEPTION are revealed. Finally!! I made it!!! I practically bolt across the street. I get there just in time for the final tour of the day to start queuing up. I ask if I can get in, annnndd it’s too late; the tour is fully booked up. I try negotiating. I ask if I can be added to the wait list, and they say yes, but everyone shows up. My heart absolutely sinks. I sadly wander over to the gift shop to console myself and at the very least get some gift cards. I’m a little bit heartbroken. How could I have let myself come all the way out here without checking which days of the week they’d be open!? I’m momentarily disappointed in myself. I grab some postcards, and sulk over to the cash register. I’m tired, hungry, and sad. I don’t get to see the LHC. I set down the post cards and pull out my card to pay. They just tell me that the card reader machine is down. I don’t have any cash. It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I just loose it and start crying, which is partially due to exhaustion and hunger but mostly as a consequence of my harrowing experience which is, from their point of view, completely out of left field. They said if I really wanted them, I could go back into town on the bus to get some cash. I cry all the way to the bus stop thinking to myself “How does one of the world’s greatest particle physics laboratories build an engineering masterpiece thats able to see quarks and leptons and bosons, which are smaller than an atom, but they can’t get their credit card machine to work!?” The bus was taking about as long as busses usually do. I think they must have felt bad, because just I had finally stopped crying somebody from the gift shop finally came up to me as the bus pulled up and handed me the postcards and said “Just take them”. I started crying all over again, but out of gratitude this time. Later that night I took a better look at the CERN website (in retrospect, I should have done this at the start. Obviously.), and to my great surprise, in small print, read that the CERN tours that are open to the public don’t actually go down into the LCH, where I wanted to go, or anywhere else underground for that matter (CERN has several “points’ known as the LHC, LHCb, Atlas, Alice, and CMS. All of them are underground), anyway. I also learned that there are actually “open days” approximately once every six years where the public IS actually allowed underground, and that the last one was in 2019. It’s generally two consecutive days where you must sign up in advance, and get a special badge to go down and see the LHC in a group. So it didn’t really even matter that I didn’t get to go on a tour, anyway. I got some post cards, met a snail, and got information. It’s now my personal mission to get myself down there with proper preparation. One day, I will see the LHC in all of its glory.